October 05, 2017
WARNING – This serial is NOT to be taken seriously. It is a satire and is not based in any part on anyone I know or have ever met. It is a reflection of the hilarious and outrageous stereotypes that some suburban Mums seem to inspire in others.
Ladies, I’ve just launched the ‘Kid Style’ section of my lifestyle blog. (Did I mention I was featured in Home and Garden last month?) I’m looking for someone who has a child with an upcoming birthday party to feature. Obviously your costs will be covered and the party will be organised for you. Any takers? I would use Tarquin, but his themes are always a little too cerebral for the average child to relate to, and I need to appeal to the everyman. You know, even kids that don’t live in Snobsville.
Tiffany Beau Gahn:
Oh, My Harysin is having his birthday next month. He’ll be 4. I could take a few snaps for you if you like? We’re having a pool party!
Oh no dear, I’d have to plan the whole thing. Pool parties are messy and don’t photo well. I’m not sure that our tastes are compatible. And I’ve met Harysin. He’s not really the look I was going for. Asthetically speaking.
Oh, this is perfect. Asparella is having a high tea birthday party in eight weeks time. Of course, I’m not completely disorganised. I have prepared a run sheet and theme proposal already, but I’m sure you could work with that?
That could work. Asparella is the brunette, correct? Turning 8? Blonde doesn’t really suit my vision. Let’s talk over PM. Oh, and do you think Asparella would mind keeping her face turned slightly to the right to capture her best side on the day?
Make sure you include a sugar free, dairy free, organic fermented option for the cake Marta. And snacks. Do you want my combucha recipe?
Marta that sounds fantastic. Congratulations on the Home and Garden piece. You are so talented! I’m sure Kid Style will be a hit.
Oh, is your Luke invited to this party Marley? I just want to be prepared. He will be on his best behaviour, won’t he?
Marta, Asparella has a good understanding of birthday party photography. Last year she got an etiquette class for her birthday. She knows full well how to present for the camera on important occasions. Do you think I don’t love and care for my child at all?
Are you sure? I’ve even bought a whole bunch of pool noodles! I was going to have all the classics out - smarties, a jam scroll for the cake, or maybe I’ll give the Swimming Pool cake a go - you know, the one with the jelly as water? I could use life savers as pool toys!
Tiffany I cannot tell if you are joking or not. No thank you. I’d be happy to give you some tips to ensure Harysin isn’t too embarrassed by the party you plan. Free of charge. I like to give back to my community.
Phillipa that sounds fine. Just be sure she takes it easy in the lead up to the party - we don’t want any scraped knees captured for eternity in the photos. Ok, lets talk theme. The themes that best show how much you love your child are, of course, the most work. Appearance is everything after all. Any blogger knows that. What about a royal theme? We’ll need to invest in some Wedgewood pieces. We could have the girls come dressed as Princess Kate. I’m thinking of individual platters with bite sized finger foods. Macaroons and so on. A pamper station perhaps? Nail polish and massages? I’ll contact my girl at Dior. And of course, a tea station. Does Asparella have a favourite boutique tea?
Oh, Cheezls are the perfect bite sized food! They even fit on your fingers!
Make sure the nail polish is organic. I have plenty of essential oils for their massages if you need them. Who is your preferred massage consultant? I’d be happy to have a chat with them and make sure they are only using base oils with no nasties.
No, I don’t think Luke is going to Asparella’s party, Sounds like a lovely day though.
Oh my Gawd, I’ve had the best idea! You could do one of those princess cakes, you know, with the doll from the toilet roll holder? Except you use cake as the toilet roll! So clever!
I’ll prepare the cake. I’m thinking royal icing - too kitsch? - on a simple white layered cake, maybe 7 layers, with fresh flowers to decorate. Well not FRESH flowers obviously. I’ll have gardener pick some peonies from the garden and I’ll recreate them with sugar frosting. I wouldn’t want people to think I don’t love my daughter. I’ve always felt that fresh flowers are really a bit of a cop out, you know?
Tiffany, you are irksome, and I can’t tell if you are making fun of me. This is a serious business. There will be no Cheezels or snacks containing Yellow Number 5 food colourings at all. It’s the first rule of kids parties. I mean, have you even considered the feelings of kids who are intolerant to salicytes, colourings and (Obviously) MSG?
Phillipa on the contrary! Simple is so on trend right now. Fresh flowers are everywhere in the Parisian Patisseries. Thank your daughter for having the good sense to have a birthday at a time when you can show how much you love her with only the smallest of effort! Of course, you will have to ensure the peonies are cared for with organic plant food. You don’t have time to grow any more, and obviously commercially grown flowers are out. Who knows what they are sprayed with! You’ll just have to tell gardener to put the plants on a strict detox between now and the birthday event.
Oh, I have some essential oils that will help with the plant detox. And, remember to check about the massage oils. Did I mention I’ve just become a DoTerra consultant?
Thank you Gemma, those are excellent suggestions. How foolish of me - every event needs an essential oil consultant! Perhaps you could offer me some advice on a calming oil to pop in the girls’ tea?
Phillipa we will have to do a pre event photo shoot. Can you prepare an invitation for some of the guests to attend an exclusive pre event shoot?
Well, yes, that’s a given. Let’s talk offline. We should discuss which children to invite to the pre event shoot - some are more photogenically gifted than others. (Let’s face it, some are just real wet fish in front of the camera).
Oh, I know what you mean. I suppose its lucky you are not serving Cheezels. That yellow colour stuff goes everywhere! Probably not what you want for a fancy schmancy photo shoot. If you need any princess props, let me know. When I was a dancer, I had this one character that was a princess. Big pink feather boa. The guys loved her! Anyway, I’m going on a servo run to pick up some Cheezls. What type of wine do you think they work best with?
I’m going to close of comments now Phillipa. I think you and I can do this most effectively offline.
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