Snobsville Mothers Online - The Birthday Cake

October 04, 2017

bee box parties snobsville birthday cake fails satire

WARNING – This serial is not to be taken seriously. It is a satire and is not based in any part on anyone I know or have ever met. It is a reflection of the hilarious and outrageous stereotypes that some Mums seem to inspire in others. This blog post originally appeared on The Online Watercooler and was reprinted with permission.

 

Marley Jackson

My daughter is turning two next month and I am stuck for ideas. Wondering if anyone knows a reasonably priced baker to make a number 2 cake?

 

Gemma Smith
I wouldn’t use a baker. You never know if they will use organic ingredients. I have a great gluten free egg free sugar free cake recipe that tastes pretty good. I mean, its all about the look anyway right?

Phillipa Francis
You’re BUYING her cake? Do you even love your child at all??

Tiffany Beau Gahn
Oh, just make it darl! I have this year’s Women’s Weekly cookbook I can lend you. It has a gorgeous number 2 cake. Chocolate I think. So much cheaper.

Phillipa Francis
Look, I wasn’t going to weigh in, but this sounds like an emergency. It’s a no for Women’s Weekly - do you know how much sugar they put in those recipes? And you absolutely cannot outsource the cake. Decorations, yes. Theming, of course. And obviously your nanny is probably best placed to buy gifts, assuming she pays close attention to your child’s needs. (Btw I can pass on some great academic resources for gifts for 2 year olds. Your nanny should really read it. Does she tutor L at all??) But no. Not the cake. You must bake the cake yourself. Its a measure of just how much you love your child. 

Phillipa Francis
Here’s a quick example of a cake I whipped up for my 4 year old daughter last year. Its not too challenging for a beginner – I assume you are a beginner. You can probably leave some of the more challenging aspects out.

And this one I made for my son. Of course, my LO is gifted (as you know, he started talking at six weeks and solved his first algebra problem at 18 months) so I had to really try and extend myself to make the theme suitably cerebral. I’m not sure that’s necessary for your L.


Anabelle Wina
Here Marley. This is the one I’ve just finished baking for my 3 year old’d party tomorrow. I’m still a little unsure - what do you think of it? Definitely make the cake though. 


Phillipa I think my child might be gifted too. He displays quite a talent for Lego. I’ve heard that’s a sign of giftedness. Can you suggest a testing facility for bright young boys?



Elizabeth Hartley
Here’s one I made for my 8 year old a few months back. He was really into Pokemon.


Marley Jackson
Um, thanks Elizabeth, but I don’t think we are really at the Pokemon stage yet. 

Are there no bakers in Snobsville that can do it? These look pretty complicated.

Elizabeth Hartley:
Obviously just an example. It’s your child, I suppose you can choose to do whatever you please. 

Anyway, on Phillipa’s point, I’ve got some academic resources collated for you. I’ll PM. Not to concern you, but the other day I noticed that L hasn’t learned any new words lately. That’s a big indicator of intelligence. You might want to get her checked.

Priscilla de Toff: 

Have you got a theme yet? How can we decide on a cake if you haven’t got a theme?

Marta Stalwart:

Marley, I’m trying not to be offended here. You know this is kind of my thing, parties. Can we do coffee, and I’ll show you my portfolio?



Phillipa Francis:

Anabelle you don’t need to worry about giftedness for your children.

Marta Stalwart:

Marley, have I done something to upset you? 

I was thinking Fairy Hollow theme btw. How do you feel about installing some new lights?

Anabelle Wina:

Are you paleo? I mean, of course you are, who isn’t?! You’ll have to take that into account for all your freshly hand made snacks.

Marley Jackson:


Oh, I’ve got the rest of the snacks sorted. Party pies, fairy bread - the usual. Marta we can do coffee definitely. But can I get back to you about the lights? Didn’t want this to be a big production, you know, just…not my style?

Annabelle Wina:

Oh good lord Marley, you can’t be serious.

Tiffany Beau Gahn:

Sounds yum! Wish I was coming! Nothing beats fairy bread, right?

Phillipa Francis:

Nothing except a long and healthy life.

Priscilla de Toff:

And having class and sophistication.

Elizabeth Hartley:

Honestly Marley, none of the other kids will be allowed to come if you serve that stuff.

SMO Admin:

Ladies fairy bread is not worth arguing over. (But obviously as a special treat like at a birthday party a little processed sugar is fine. And completely delicious.)

Tiffany Beau Gahn:

I don’t know. I think I’d get into a fight over fairy bread.

 

Elizabeth Hartley:

Seriously Marley we need to talk about L. I asked her to give me a word that started with B the other day and she just kind of stared.

Tiffany Beau Gahn:

My eldest’s first word was Bourbon. Does that count? He was about that age.

Marta Stewart:

Tarquin’s first word was BMW. His first B word I mean. After all the usual words, you know, mum, dad, governess, trust fund…

Tiffany Beau Gahn:

You know I could kill for a bourbon and some fairy bread about now.

Marley Jackson:

Thanks for all the advice ladies. Looks like my mum is going to do the cake for me. She’s got a spare chocolate cake mix at home, she’ll whip it up on Saturday and pop some Smarties on top.

Marta Stewart:

I can’t tell - is this satire? Are you being sarcastic?

Elizabeth Hartley:

Of course she is. No self respecting mother would do that. Not in Snobsville anyway. You don’t have to be rude Marley, if you must purchase instead of making it lovingly by hand, I’ll send you my caterer’s number by PM.

Gemma Smith:

Just in case you are serious, I’ll prepare a little detox kit you can hand out in the party bags. I hope you’re not serious. I just did a little vomit in my mouth. But a detox never hurt anyone did it? Some activated almonds, osmolised water and hydrolysed vitamin C. And some combucha. I’ll pick up a homeopathic remedy too. Just in case.

 

Tiffany Beau Gahn:

Smarties, chocolate cake, party pies and fairy bread? Lucky little princess.

Gemma that could be the activated almonds coming back up. I’d grab some Gaviscon love.


Marta Stewart:

I think you’re being sarcastic. Anyway, its completely unnecessary. We were only trying to help. 

Marta Stewart:

And now you’re not responding to my PMs.

SMO Admin:

Please not again ladies. You’re interrupting my fairy bread.

Marta Stewart:

I’ve just sent through a few pictures from last month’s party feature by PM. It was more appropriately themed for school aged kids, but you get the gist.

Marta Stewart:

Here’s a link http://www.domesticgoddess.com/perfectprincesspartyideas

Marta Stewart:

And just a few more photos.

   

Marta Stewart:

Marley??? God you’re immature.

SMO Admin:

That’s it, comments are off. No one interrupts me eating fairy bread.

 

 





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